Loss happens! And it often strikes unexpectedly, like a bolt of lightning in a clear blue sky. Accidents, floods, earthquakes, hurricanes, fire, war, and suicide take their daily harvest of lives. Death can also take seemingly healthy people in an instant. Autopsies reveal hidden time bombs like aneurisms, embolisms, and blood clots that kill the unsuspecting. A person may even die while asleep for no apparent reason.

When loss is sudden, it has a devastating impact on the lives of those who remain. Some know for months or years that death is stalking their lives, while others are blind-sided. For people in today’s world, unexpected deaths can be the result of reckless driving, out-of-control lifestyles, terrorist attacks, school shootings, or gang violence. Grief, resulting from these types of losses and death, can be troublesome for young people for many years. Their struggles can include problems such as: bad dreams, eating disorders, lack of concentration in school. These can affect home life, friendships, work and achievement. They can lead to a loss of interest in normal daily activities or over-activity (trying to block out the pain). Other symptoms of “undercover grief” may be wanting to be left alone, drug and/or alcohol use, anger issues, risk-taking behaviors (i.e. riding motorcycles or driving vehicles too fast), anti-social behavior (such as bullying or even criminal behavior), promiscuity, excessive concern or worry about health issues, pain and deep sadness at the memory of the deceased, possibly leading to depression, or worse, thoughts of or attempts at suicide. Buried or ignored grief doesn’t die; it simply finds expression through often self-destructive channels.

When loss is sudden, a daze of unreality sets in called denial. The shock of unexpected death can last hours, if not days and months. It is common for people who experience sudden loss to have nightmares, or feelings of unrealistic guilt. They say to themselves, “if only…,” as if there was something they could have done to prevent the loss. That was Mac’s struggle in the opening vignette. Real guilt sometimes stems from remembered words that were spoken in haste or anger to the person or persons lost in death.

In addition to guilt, there is a whole cluster of emotions that go with that haunting sense of responsibility. Among these are sadness, anger, frustration, fear and anxiety that ebb and flow when someone has experienced a loss.

If loss is not sudden but expected, there is still shock at the realization that in two years or six months a loved one will die. Anticipatory grief occurs when the end is expected.
Sometimes this gives time to adjust, while at other times it just allows for more pain. Terminal diagnoses can spark wild hopes of a last minute miracle that can deepen the impact when death comes. When the anticipatory grief goes on and on, resentment can develop. This resentment then can lead to guilt for resenting your loved one’s long illness. The process of death in a debilitating illness, like Alzheimer’s, often leads to these feelings that seem so selfish. People who watch loved ones die in pain are often torn between their desire for life and their desire for an end to the pain.

Although Kübler-Ross’ research and findings represented a milestone at the time of her publication, her works appear less than adequate now. Grief, as a process, (whether it comes in

stages, phases, or tasks) is a matter of perspective that affects the whole person (physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually) and is a response to loss. This book is based on a view of grief that identifies grief-phases that have a task component for the griever. This means that you have a responsibility to work through your grief. You can carry out responsive tasks that will engage your life in dealing with the loss you have experienced. These tasks have been taken from
J. William Worden’s Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy. The tasks are as follows: